in the end, it doesn't even matter...

what the fuck is the point of it all? All this pain and suffering and unhappy people, all for what? What am I not  getting? I'm a Catholic. I understand the concept of sacrifice and offering up sacrifices...but I've had enough. Not just my pain. My heart is completely torn and broken from the pain of those I love. Those loving souls who have done nothing but their best at being good...all being shot down one by one. Torn, mangled, beaten down over and over again. And there is no light at the end of the tunnel in sight for any of them, for any of us. Why would a good mother have her child taken away from her by a controlling and abusive husband, just because he can? Why would good, loving girls get their hearts stepped on over and over and over again, when all they do is give? Why would a single mom of a special needs child who struggles daily to make ends meet not be allowed to do more for her kid? Having enough on her plate, she's told she has a tumor in her uterus, extreme bleeding, migraines that go on for days and no one else to rely on but herself....can someone explain the point of all that? I'm tired of seeing it, feeling it, suffering it...in the end, does it even matter? What's a few more broken hearts, broken homes, lost souls...

Alone in a room full of people

So I had a conversation with a friend (whose name shall remain anonymous) today about all this stuff that's been waiting to explode in my head...she agrees with me about feeling like we are living in the wrong place at the wrong time..."It would have been great to live in times like in the movies Like Water  for Chocolate or Love in the time of Cholera"... when chivalry was a virtue to look up to and try to acquire...would have been great indeed.

Sadly, she's not the only one I've heard this from. Another friend tells me she has to settle for her boyfriend's disrespect ... why? Because he loves her. I'm not even saying that's not true. It may be. Sometimes love is not enough, though. It has to go beyond that...to making sacrifices and actually giving of ourselves for the other...is that too much to ask for? I think not.

People did it before, it can be done now. I know, I know, there are still "gentlemen" out there. My answer? no, there are not. And I know some beautiful couples who lead happy lives, but never have I seen a guy who goes above and beyond with the small details every single time...I know the typical answer I would get here: "well, what about girls? You gals don't know how to be ladies nowadays either" And you would be correct. But why exactly can't we be ladies? we are too busy being what men should be, we are held to the same standard as guys, but still get less for what we do. We are to have a career and make our own money and not fall behind, AND be moms and wives to someone who is supposed to be our equal. Seems a little off to me. I can't be a lady while I'm explaining something to a stubborn client who won't listen and undermines me just because I'm a GIRL. If I were to be a lady, I would be seen as easy pray, in other words, I would be taken advantage of. We don't have the luxury of being ladies, as sad as that sounds, because there are no real gentlemen left.

"Not in this country, anyway", my friend replied....I wish with all my heart that's it. At least that way I can dream that there is still a hint of hope out there.

"You risk tears if you let yourself be tamed..."

Some days I feel like I've been trapped in a fairytale gone terribly wrong. I see all the elements needed for a "happy ending", but the story can never come together for some reason. And that's just it. Maybe that's what I'm tired of, always feeling incomplete...not because I'm missing prince charming or the perfect job or anything material really, but because the only ending that can be truly happy cannot be found here, on this material world, but elsewhere, somewhere after having lived the same shit over and over time and time again. Sometime after the soul had endured so much, maybe? Is that what I'm feeling? That my soul is longing to be in that somewhere that this world cannot ever fulfill?

Someone somewhere once told me I love too much. Really? Is that really a problem nowadays? I think that's what's wrong with us. We don't love enough. We can never let ourselves be free enough to give our all, not to just one person, but to everyone, every time. Not talking about physical love exclusively here, but in our thoughts, hearts, souls...through actions, words... Is it exhausting? Of course! is it worth it? Absolutely.

It takes a lot of courage to see the world in all it's jaded beauty and glory... and still love it, no? Take courage, be tamed and let the tears run. I promise it's worth it. Maybe I love too much because it's the only way to feel somewhat fulfilled....and maybe it's why I'm so exhausted. Too many tears.

Melancholy

Is it strange that my soul feels tired of it all? I've always felt that my soul, my spirit is not new to life, like it has already gone through this before; seen it all, done it all...maybe not in this lifetime, but lifetimes past (I know, I'll probably be excommunicated if any Catholic reads this, ha!). Maybe in another place and time in another shell of a body...but this same old, weary soul...and now it's just waiting. Longing for what's to come next. To finally be where it's meant to be. Finally go back HOME, to its source, to where it all begun, to where the soul feels safe and truly happy.
Every passing second I (my soul) longs for it more and more. And it gets harder to control the melancholy that's dying to come out and scream to the world that I don't belong here, on this earth, with this pain and hate and ugliness that surrounds us all day by day. That melancholy is what connects me back "home", where I belong with the rest of that energy that I feel is taken from me little by little, day by day. But I do feel it still, I feel something, someone protecting me from afar, because I'm a little piece of that whole.
But I must say, I am TIRED. I've seen enough, I feel I've experienced too much of this earth and what it has to offer. Yes, I have seen so much beauty and felt and experienced love. I've also seen and felt too much of the bad...the people who make this place such a terrible experience. I've had enough of the demons tearing and tormenting the souls trying to do good. I am tired of seeing horrible things happen to good souls! and for what? For what? I'm starting to think it will finally take over it all..the evil, just take over everyone and everything, and all the good would have been in vain...